Sniff sniff

Today at 7am I started the drugs. Weird. Surreal really - so many months of tests, good news, bad news, tears and laughs have all come together and finally it's not longer all chat - it's actually happening.
I set my alarm as I have to take four sniffs a day, so am now a walking alarm clock to remind me when to ingest the magic potion. I did the first one in my sleep as I was so tired from a night tossing and turning - my subconscious thinking over the whole IVF process during my allotted seven hours sleep time. Irritating. Anyway, it was a fairly un-momentous moment although I am not sure exactly how I expected to feel? The 12 o'clock snifter was slightly more momentous as that happened in the back of a cab with my son (who has already tried to sniff my drugs - a worry as his favourite colour is pink and a whole host of hormones could send him into a glitterati of girly stuff) and husband. Both looked at me with vague interest, waiting to see what the result would be, which was a nasty taste down the back of my throat and that was that.
The 5 o'clock was far more momentous as I had to hold a sneeze in. I'd been warned about this - the sniffy drug is like gold dust and I don't want to miss a drop so I hopped and wiggled while rubbing my nose to keep the sneeze at bag, eyes bulging out and face going crimson. Sneeze stayed put although it has been threatening to re-appear ever since. So we have the 10pm one to go and that will be day one of drugs. I am taking baby aspirin and some mega folic acid, but only one a day of each of those so all in all its very manageable - as long as I remember to take them.
Obviously the drugs have had no immediate effect (well outwardly), but I have spent all day, and I mean ALL day thinking about babies and our quest to have one. Having just come back from a short trip to Australia to meet my five month old Godson, I am super broody. Spending 4 days with the little nugget has well and truly cemented my desire for another baby and instead of these feelings coming with a health warning -  'Danger - thoughts of pro-creating can lead to serious depression and disappointment' I am not only wishing for it - there is a very definite feeling it is within the realms of possibility that our family of 3 will soon become four, or maybe five...
It's fair to say the feelings are those akin to those I have in September when Christmas is within grasp and I can start listening to carols secretly. Bubble of glee as I think about the future, start imagining our family with a baby in it (or two...). I keep putting us all in scenario's - my son helping me change nappies, my husband doing that lovely thing of falling asleep on the sofa with a newborn on his chest (he did that all the time with our son and it was just the loveliest thing). I know we can't predict the future and I know we have to be prepared for the fact it might not work, but I think that now we have started the process a few positive vibes won't go amiss and why not? If I am going to put my body through this rigorous process, the least I can do is support it mentally. Positive Mental Attitude. I'm all over it.

Exciting times.

It's been a manic week one way or another. First of all, I'm off on an impromptu trip to Australia to see a school friend and her boys, one of whom is my Godson and I haven't even met him yet! I have to thank my lovely husband who I think took pity on me during 'sleep gate' and could see that I was a couple of days from combustion, so booked me quick smart on a plane to Sydney. I also think he's looking forward to a few days  of uninterrupted sleep himself (she say's as his comments of 'that was a better night wasn't it?' ring in my ears. I had been up 4 times in the night and he slept through the lot). For the record - we are now getting some sort of routine back from our son, but I am still spending far too much of the night awake worrying. I have added schooling worries to the IVF ones - well in for a penny in for a pound and if I am going to be awake half the night 'thinking' I may as well make it productive.
Anyway, while organising the flight, I suddenly realised that I need to start taking drugs pretty smartish. Amusing to see how my mind works - we've been planning IVF since November/December time but it takes me to book a flight to actually realise I am starting it in 2 weeks. Nothing like leaving things until the last minute. I have to admit I have found the whole level of drugs and their administering really quite overwhelming and subconsciously put actually getting the drugs to the back of my mind as I couldn't face it. There are SO many to take and in so many different forms and at different times, I've got myself in a bit of a pickle about it. For the first time in my life I attempted an excel spreadsheet - I thought it would be helpful to put in what drug I need and when I need to take it - it's SO confusing I am permanently going back to check I haven't missed anything out. Anyway, that didn't work as I am hopeless at excel sheets and got myself more worked up than I was before. It all resulted in panic phone calls to Dr UK IVF's secretary (the Doc himself is on annual leave - probably to escape from me for a while) and Dr HK IVF's nurse to see if I could start just one drug here in Hong Kong and the rest when I get to England and at which point I will be given a print out with exact instructions. Phew - both said it was ok and I have to say I slept a whole lot better last night. If you ignore the little man wetting the bed after a nightmare and then shouting for me because his duvet wasn't on properly (!). Seriously - he is his fathers son through and through. Not the wetting the bed bit I should add.
I collected the first instalment of med's from the hospital this morning to start next week, and it's actually really exciting. I daresay it seems strange to say that the prospect of filling ones body with all kinds of hormones, steroids, anti-coagulants and the likes is exciting but really it is. I think I definitely have more Hollywood moments than most - this is where things in your life could be in a film - so for example when my son runs out of school into my arms, if you slow mo'd it down, that could be a scene from a film. Today when I actually held the drugs, it was very Hollywood. Not a blockbuster, granted, in fact I am not sure it would even go so far as straight to DVD - the Hollywood scenes in my life are all destined for the cutting room floor, but none the less it had a real sense of achievement, crescendo, the soundtrack would have been uplifting if it were in a film. As it's real life, none of that happened and the nurse gave me a demonstration in front of about 30 random punters of how to use the nasal spray. Not as glam as Julia Roberts but hey ho.
I trotted out of the hospital full of beans and optimism which I have found hard to find over the past few weeks. In the same way that when one has a miscarriage, all of a sudden lots of other people have them too and it's so horribly sad. Since we have been given the green light to go ahead with IVF if I have heard one failure story I have heard 10. Of course IVF does not mean immediate success and there have to be failures - thats life - but when you are on the start of your journey and full of so much hope its really hard to hear that it's failed for someone else. I now have to warn people that if they have bad stories not to tell me as I really can't bear to hear them. Anyway, today I am not full of doom and gloom but of hope and excitement. I am definitely in the zone where I think we are going to have a baby and I am seriously excited. It's almost like the drugs are the advent calendar, implantation is Christmas Eve and pregnancy test is Christmas Day - well we hope anyway.
So I'm off to Aus to see my lovely friend and her boys (sadly it will be a dry old do as I can't drink obviously, and she is breastfeeding), have some sun, do lots of lovely fun things and when I get back it's time to start snorting. You see - that's not Julia Roberts either. Maybe I need to re-asses this whole Hollywood thing...

Worry worry worry, must be funny, in a sane man's world.

We got the drug protocol through last night - oh my goodness! A drug protocol is basically the list of drugs that I have to take, in what sequence and for how long. Long is the operative word - I actually can't tell you the amount of injections and pills I have to take as every time I add them up I miss some out and then have to start again but we are well over 200. Wow. I printed off all the information and my husband asked if I was printing the Yellow Pages - it certainly felt that way. I told him he had to read it and he went rather pale - he's still on page 2 of The Beano.
There is so much to take in that last night I went to bed totally overwhelmed and terrified - and obviously didn't sleep a wink. Seriously Mum, you are an amazing gardener and an incredibly good cook and a mean crossword fanatic - could you not have passed those skills on to me instead of your incredible ability to worry worry worry all through the night? I can neither garden nor cook but I can definitely whip your Worry Crown straight from your head. My latest fear is that I have calculated the dates wrong (anyone who knows me well will know that this is not an unfounded worry) and my timings will make everything fail. I have sent a very pleading e-mail to Dr UK IVF asking him to work it all out for me and basically take over as I just cannot bear the weight of responsibility. I think he may be regretting taking us on...
So anyway, in between worry which is taking up the vast percentage of my nights and Nocturnal Boy's activities (oh by the way, I think he peaked with his bad behaviour and he has been absolutely adorable since Saturday so we have revised our thinking and we most definitely want another one of him please) I am quite tired. But I have come up with a new take on this and actually think my old sparring partner Mother Nature is doing me a favour. I think she is preparing me for a new-born. I had quite forgotten the depravity that came with sleepless nights, but she has given me the perfect insight over the past few weeks and while I think she could have waited until I was actually pregnant before this little insight, I can see the logic. Tongue is firmly in cheek.
Anyway, tiredness aside, I have in black and white a prescription on my desk waiting to be taken to the Doctors and a bucket load of pills and syringes to pick up, it's really actually, definitely, completely happening!!
I'm nervous about the amount of hormones and steroids that will be coursing through my veins, but more nervous for those around me than myself, bad luck. I am a little less than excited about the intralipid infusion (to lower my immune system) that apparently takes over 2 hours, but I can at least have it at Mum and Dad's while catching up with Neighbours and Home and Away. All in all it could be a lot worse in terms of medical punishment and frankly, if there is a chance it will work, I would do it all ten times over.
Yes, I think its fair to say that while I am single handedly sending myself grey with this ludicrous and totally time wasting worry, I am very very excited and looking forward to the next step. I have a couple of weeks to wait and then I should have a bottom like a pin cushion (makes a change from orange peel), facial hair to rival Brian Blessed and maybe even the voice to match. My husband can't wait...

Sweet Dreams?

I can safely say this week has been probably one of the most up and down in terms of emotional roller coaster. Having had the green light to go ahead with IVF, we were on a major high. It was actually palpable, for an evening my shoulders certainly felt lighter. I went to bed with such high hopes and excitement and a little bit of disbelief that it was actually about to happen. However, that night I had one of the worse nights sleep ever as I tossed and turned worrying about everything and anything. I am not sure how manage to find so much to worry about, but I do. I suppose I replaced the milestone of reaching one hurdle with that of another and all it's pitfalls. So on Wednesday the dreams and worry went something like this: What if they can't find any eggs? What if they can find eggs but they don't implant? What if I die on the operating table as they are harvesting the eggs - that really would make it all rather pointless (yes I realise a ludicrous thought but you try being me and my mind at 4am). Honestly I think I am a nut job at times, why can't I just see things on face value, enjoy the moment and worry about the rest as and when it happens? I suppose this is another layer of my impulsive obsessive nature and also entirely my mothers fault as she has done this night time worrying for years. Anyway the nights sleep was also dramatically reduced by the insistent and thoroughly irritating demands of our son. He is currently in the 'I won't sleep in my bed' phase - which basically means he is up all night, as am I. I am so sleep deprived and fed up of the situation that I have actually told my husband we are completely mad to go ahead with IVF, how could I POSSIBLY cope with number 2 or 3? Because my husband could sleep through the Blitz, he can't quite see the problem. I have explained it to him, several times, I think he got the hint when my eyes started rolling and I resembled a demented horse suffering from colic. As the gangsters would say, 'nuff said.
So here we are now, tired, irritable, me slightly crazed, and generally a bit battered and bruised. We can't even drown our sleep deprived sorrows in booze as we are on the wagon for the foreseeable (for me hopefully for a year or so....). I've been hiking daily to build up the strength to carry a baby and lose the horrible miscarriage weight, eating like a Hollywood actress (slightly bigger portions and I don't think we need to count last nights ribs and chips...small glitch) and generally leading a healthier life. I'm making firm plans for our trip, and this week I should get my drug protocol and we're off. Ooooo it's really scary and more than a lot exciting.
I'm keeping this short as the boys have gone to the supermarket and I want to be firmly in situ, hiding in our bedroom when they get back. I think an hour of catching up on the Archers is definitely what this Nearly Doctor prescribes...

GREEN IS FOR GO!!!

Can't write anymore - am too busy crying.

No news is good news...

...although it would be nice to hear all is well. We have still not heard from Dr UK IVF if the Hysteroscopy was ok, and the waiting is pretty unbearable. It reminds me of the 2 week wait between fertile days and pregnancy tests - trying to keep one's mind off the matter in hand always as the opposite effect or costs a fortune in shopping bills. However I have heard being nervous burns off calories. Every cloud and all that.  Still, trying to be rational and not my usual impatient self, Dr UK IVF has patients to see other than me (strange concept it not being all about me - rather a drag actually - I much prefer it when I am on the radar) and is probably very busy making lots of little test tube babies so I can forgive this momentary lapse in communication. So, the bubbles stay on ice but I may just open the tonic to go with a gin tonight and soothe the nerves.