We've just come back from a week's holiday in Chiang Mai and Bangkok. It was awesome. So absolutely amazing I could wax lyrical for hours about it, but it doesn't really have a huge amount to do with our IVF journey. Well, apart from the fact that we had a week doing exciting things like trekking on elephants through the jungle, riding horses, darting around in tuk-tuks and for me, eating my considerable weight in rice paper rolls - none of which could have been done while I was pregnant. It was the exact tonic (gin and....) we needed to not think about anything medical or baby related. Of course we did, we had one or two chats over a glass of wine (I lifted the no alcohol ban for the holiday) about numbers of embryo's we would implant, names we might like (or not - we disagree on almost every name which is thoroughly irritating for me and a new sport for my husband), and we dared to think that we might be a step closer to success. Error. We landed back in Hong Kong and like every other irritating traveller who has spent more than 30 seconds out of contact from their friends or colleagues, I turned my phone on the second my foot stepped off the plane (I abjectly refuse to join the hoards of uber irritants who have to turn their electrical device on the second the wheels touch tarmac, just before they take their seat belts off even though it clearly says do not. Grrrr. My husband is one of them and for the record you are all rather sad). It took a while before the e-mails came in, but before we'd reached passport control, they had made their presence in my inbox. Most importantly there was a very important mail in it from our specialist in the UK, our blood tests were back and attached. Now, as we know, I am a nearly doctor so assumed that interpreting them would be child's play if you'll excuse the pun. Not quite as easy - I must have skipped that lecture - but the chart of tests, their outcome and any possible treatment was easy to interpret even if I didn't know what I was being treated for. Oh, and a give away that it might not be as brilliant reading as the exceptionally good Agatha Christie I had read on holiday was Dr UK IVF's sentence; "there is a LOT going on in your system!!!!" I did point out to my husband that 4 exclamation marks from a medic, who in my experience as a whole are generally not disposed to humour, did at least make me smile although I am still not sure why. Our Dr is in fact a rather human sort and one that I like a lot so I chose at present to believe these exclamations mean there could be a glimmer of hope, because until we speak to him tomorrow night, we are somewhat in no mans land and frankly I am beginning to feel the waves of panic lap over me.
The long and the short of it is I have rather a lot of blood issues, that regardless of the Chromosomal abnormalities, mean no pregnancy can possibly survive in my current state (according to my husband I have to say here that this is still to be confirmed by an actual doctor and not just a nearly one. Pedantic if you ask me given the blood report but none the less...). My liver, kidney and protein are all excellent which came as a very welcome surprise, sadly I have a matching DQ a Genotype with my husband, which means basically we are damaging the embryo before it implants. Then I have 'Grossly Increased' TH1:TH2 Cytokine Ratio's - ie my own immune system is killing all embryo's as they limp along in a pregnancy. Add to that a Heterozygous mutation in my PAI-1 Polymorphism and MTHFR readings - ie blood clotting disease (oh - and regardless of babies I am at a much higher risk of stroke or heart disease - in fact I think I am now classified as a risk. Nice) which means that my embryo's can't really take much gloopy blood from me - not that they would want it as its full of mutations - so therefore survival would be tough. Please know if you are reading this and have the same results that this bleak and poor synopsis has to be officially interpreted, but with the aid of Google, I am certainly aware of the pitfalls of the above. It's not looking good. However, as we know, I decided a while back that I would try and look at the positives not the negatives, and alongside each result in the chart was a treatment which would suggest that there could be something we could do. Honestly speaking, I am either in total denial or a bit simple, or indeed spot on, but I still believe our Dr UK IVF can help us and that we will have another baby. I have to think that - my resolve if I gave myself an inch of speculation would dissolve and I am not sure I could get it back. I am also so incredibly grateful that Dr UK IVF gently eased us towards having these tests done (they are eye wateringly expensive and I suppose if you get a negative report back one might feel inclined to think it was not money well spent. In our case I think it was the best two thousand pounds we ever spent), as if we had not and not embarked on the medication needed to try and over come the issues, our IVF attempts would have been undoubtedly unsuccessful.
I suppose where you find me at this actual time in my life is somewhat scared at my own mortality as well as my chances of having a baby. This journey was supposed to be about having babies, but now I find myself in a situation where I not only have to face the fact that this might not be possible, but that I have issues with my health that are not, how shall we say, inspiring. When one does receive bad news about ones health it does rather shake the emotions up and strange, over dramatic and probably entirely irrational thoughts do pop into the grey matter. Obviously I realise I am not going to die (one hopes that won't crop up in our chat with Dr UK IVF.....?) and these results do not in anyway suggest that, but as I said before, when you involve science in a medical process, you have to be prepared to not entirely like the results that are generally unequivocal. I thought our tests would show up at worst that both my husband and I had a Chromosomal problem and that we would need to screen our embryo's in a bid to find a good one, but instead not only do I keep having Chromosomal miscarriages it would seem that Chromosomes might not be the only reason - I am the not so proud owner of a body that rejects babies, which for one so desperate to have them seems rather cruel wouldn't you say? Mother Nature and I are officially back to no speaks.
I am trying really hard to keep it all together, not panic and keep sane. We did a family hike today which was stunning, and like our holiday, I enjoyed the company of both of my boys. I adore my boys. If that is what I have to settle for, it's not settling, it's an honour to have them both in my life and I am blessed to have them. Does it then make me a bad person for crying for what I want and feeling desperately unhappy? I'm really not sure. Today is not a good day. Lets hope tomorrow brings something a little more cheerful. In the mean time, my husband is cooking our first BBQ of the year, he bought me crisps to cheer me up, my baby is doing his first night in his big bed without a nappy and I am about to have a glass of wine. Sod the ban, there are times......
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